It's been about 9 months since my last post. It feels like forever and a lot has happened to me since then. Well, nothing has actually happened to me, I've happened to "it" so to speak. I use these words and phrases because I believe that I'm not a victim in my life; I do have a certain amount of control over what is going on. Actually, I can't say that this has been a season of achieving dreams, but I can say that it has been and still is a season of preparation in my life. I can't say completely why this is, but I do know that that's what God has laid on my heart. I'm no longer a woman who sits on the sidelines letting dust just settle around her. I have had my share of shortcomings and trials, but as I sit here, I feel like I've grown stronger as a woman.
Right now I'm seeking to walk down a new path in my career. I also finally mustered the courage to join a gym in February (It might not sound like a terrible feat, but for a very self- conscious, out of shape, and discouraged girl, it certainly was not easy). I had been battling with myself internally for literally years. I was and still am (sometimes) trying to find the best workout with being seen the least. I've overcome a lot of these fears and this sense of shame, but I still cringe at the thought of getting on a workout machine amidst a bunch of super fit people. However, the difference between then and now is that now I get over myself and just do it! My body does not belong to me anyway, it is totally God's and I've got to take care of it! Deep down, I do realize that it's just a confidence issue- I'm not some ogre or anything LOL (If I could just convince myself of this)
God has also began a journey of healing within me. I'm still not to the point where I can openly share much with people in my inner circle (It's weird- I feel much more comfortable talking to strangers about a lot), but many of my chains of the past are being loosed. I don't know why I'm so afraid to surrender it all to God, I guess it's a deep down fear that I'll hurt worse because people will see the real me. I'm working on coming to a place of loving myself. I guess the fact that I've had this realization is the beginning of the staircase that I need to climb in order to resolve the issues.
I've really been opening up to God more and realizing that I can and should be "raw" in His prescence. Because of this, I can feel a real transformation within myself. To be honest, I really don't know where to end this post. I hope that you can understand my ramblings. Honestly, this is more for me than it is for you. I need an outlet and I don't do well with paper journals. I hope you'll comment though!
Humbly yours,
Ashley!
PS How can I pray for you in this season?
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